You may know this about me…I rarely write about my personal life. Yet, now and then Creator asks me to take a risk and write about a life experience, most likely for the benefit of others facing similar issues or challenges. In fact, just as I was writing this I received a phone call from a new friend who expressed that very sentiment, that this issue was close to her heart and felt supported by me sharing my story…synchronicity at work, right?
It was early in 1999 and my husband, Michael, and I were pregnant with our second attempt at creating a child. The first pregnancy ended with a miscarriage at 3.5 months. We kept that little fetus, felt she was female, gave her a Chinook Jargon spiritual name, then I buried her in a sacred way at the base of my new apple tree, the one that needed some help to survive. This she-tree is thriving today and has the sweetest apples! Side note, Michael and I are both part Native American, he, a member of a local tribe here in Oregon, and both honoring our ancestral traditions.
This second pregnancy was a surprise. My hormones and biology during menstrual years gave me very few body cramps and no morning sickness. My monthly menstruation was well documented and regular, with only one glitch a year. So, it came as a surprise when I was at the gynecologist office for my annual exam and discovered I was three months pregnant. Wow!
I had the same wonderful midwife caring for me and very regularly taking the pre-natal supplements. The pregnancy surpassed my previous limit, which was a pleasant surprise, now 4.5 months without any complications.
As always, I’m in conversation with Creator, getting guidance, and checking in to receive clarity about my path and purpose. Being one with many spiritual beliefs that complement and support each other, I remember the Taoist in me, the one with no attachment, reflecting back to Source as I said, “If this pregnancy is carried to birth, I’ll dedicate my life to loving, caring for, and guiding this child…but, if it miscarries, I’ll dedicate my life to Tarot.” In other words, I knew I would not choose to get attached to the outcome or make things happen one way or the other, no force, no agenda…that’s how deeply I trust Creator.
One morning I felt the most painful cramps, like my female organs were being ripped out of this body…a squeezing and burning sensation that only got worse when I moved. Fortunately, my midwife was scheduled to visit me at my very remote home that day. She suspected that the fetus was attempting to abort, but couldn’t see it. Her assistant and she tried to drive me to the hospital, one hour away, but the dirt road I live down was too bumpy for my body to handle at that time. I couldn’t stand being indoors or having clothes on my skin, thus these professional birthing angels held space for me as I laid on my front lawn going in and out of deliriously painful cramping, what I now know as the same labor experience of childbirth…for six hours!
We finally made it to the emergency room at the hospital, and although I was doubled over in pain as I spoke with the male intake nurse who was incredibly rude and prejudicial toward the midwife, I spoke up and asked him to treat her better…yep, even when I feel like I’m dying, my super protector comes out…haha.
The emergency room doctor was very kind and understanding and explained that the fetus was stuck in the “Os”…the cervical opening that was not dilating…half in and half out…like me! He (Michael and I felt this was a he) was too big to miscarry, yet was ready to leave this body. She carefully and respectfully placed him in a small box, and I was able to take this little fetus home, where Michael and I gave him his spiritual name. Then Michael did ceremony, and buried him in a location in the forest. We each cared for one of these miscarried souls in the way we felt was best.
This miscarriage was harder on Michael than it was on me…for I’d already made peace with Creator and welcomed whichever choice was made. I came to see how attached and grieving Michael was with this lost opportunity to have a child, and feel so much for his heartache with this realization.
Sometimes I think about that little boy who would be around 24 year old now. What his life may have been like, whether his father would possibly still be alive. Michael walked on in 2005.
Then I look at my other baby, my Tarot career, mostly teaching and having a positive impact on people around the world with my unique Tarot Counseling and Consulting approach. I know this is what Source wanted me to create and nurture these many years ago, and I’m just as proud to see it grow and thrive, blessing many lives, like a pebble that enters a still pond and sends out ripples in every direction.
By reading this story, I hope you are also aligned with the guidance that Creator has for you and your special mission in this world. If this story has supported you in any way, that is a blessing for us both and worth going over my edge of comfort to share this personal experience with you.
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MY SACRED JOURNEY . . . 